Saturday, November 8, 2014

Making of a Mother

I dont remember hearing my baby cry. I remember her form swaddled in a blue cloth (ah but then everything was a blue black hue) and a wide-eyed peaceful face.

The previous evening too I had walked 20 rounds inspite of the slight back pain. The womenfolk who saw me daily said my time was near. I looked forward to it,  never fearing the pain. In fact I was proud of the pains I would 'suffer' to bring forth a child into the world. I remember my friend in school quoting her mom saying that its the pain thats behind the love of a mother for her child...

At midnight I was admited in the hospital in full labour. Early morning came the doctor and confirmed what the nurses suspected. The baby wont come she said. Dont push anymore. We're going to have to operate. By then i was physically drained from the pains. Now my mind and heart went numb too. When they wheeled me away to the operating theatre, I stared blankly into space but within I was hysterical. I felt rejected. My baby was born on a Sunday morning before the break of dawn by emergency C-section.

There was no pride, no feeling of achievement, no joy. I felt 'less of a mother'.
"So much for a natural delivery. You're just less of a mother"...

My family comforted me in many ways,. They told me to find comfort by looking at my child but when I looked at that tiny form , 'Less of a mother' echoed within me.  In those moments, if anyone teased me for my lack of maternal instincts, I would have believed it because really I was .. 'less of a mother'.

They say time is the best healer but for me, God did the work.

What was my claim to motherhood? Was it the pains of childbirth itself ? Was that the cost I paid to buy rights to the name 'mother'? Would that 'cost' buy me the esteemed right to be called "MOTHER"? No ! No ! No!

I remember when I dedicated my unborn child to God many a time...This dear baby never was mine to possess or pride in. She is God's. Motherhood is a gift from God. The child is His mercy upon me. i have no claims of my own upon my child. The day will come when the Lord will ask "What did you do with my child whom I entrusted to you" and I know now that I will not even for a moment, imagine it to be otherwise.In her every smile, every compliment, every achievement I feel no possessive pride. I am broken to the core.  I am but humbled that God chose to entrust me with such a wonderful creature. I am also aware of my responsibility - to bring her up in God's standards. To show her what it means to have a heavenly Father..

I never could have earned what God alone can bestow. This was the way He taught me this powerful lesson.  I hope He teaches you the same in your own special way. I began my journey into motherhood with 'nothing'. And when its all done, I should remain the same ; that day I will know that I have been a 'mother', the kind God intended me to be.

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