As the cock crows, i remember...

I go my way
drive thru streets
live my life...
and yet!.. it bothers me...
waking up to consciousness
i hear the cock crow
jumping out of bed,
i hear the cock crow
rushing thru breakfast
i hear it again...
dashing out to catch the bus
standing there, doing nothing
i still hear it
In the bus,seated beside a stranger
it still bugs me
i search around me
behind my shoulders
see noone.. nothing..
and yet, i hear it crow..louder
at work, with friends,
it disturbs my conversation
incessant noise...
it persists, follows me around
throughout my day
even in my quiet moments
it crows its throat off
and i am irate
back home,post-dinner,
does noone else hear it??
it is still loud as ever.
will it not stop ever, i wonder...
ever?


PS... Luke 22:32.... "But I have prayed for thee, that thy faith fail not......"

Proverbs 6:10,11

The Potter's clay

Somebody asked me the other day.. Dont you feel like doing something for the Lord rather than just pursue a spiritual life and purity? What he meant was dont u think u should be doing some good works, some charity? Making some bigtime sacrifices in life, to give back for what Jesus has done for me?
I have been through these thoughts myself. I have wondered...and i have thought... and i told the Lord in whispers into the dark nights... Here i am Lord, use me as u will for you. And i offered myself, and my talents for his work. but it didnt really turn out as i thought it would.

As i lifted the works of my hands
i realised i was
holding up to my Lord
an empty pair of hands
all that i held burnt to ashes
with a deep shame
i knew i was empty.
i had no talents of worth
to offer my Lord
my heart,a river of shame..
what works can i offer
what life shall i lead
what sacrifices shall i make
and hence be found 'worthy'


Father, "I am Willing". I know not what u want me to be, where u want me to go, what u want me to do. I have nothing to offer up but this one moment in time:Now.It is Yours. Father, I am willing. Each moment,let it be You. of more, i am ignorant...

My Self...

Off.. Get off u filthy dog!!!
Get off the golden throne
Sickly n dirty, weak n stinking
Vain, whining and yelping at passersby
you howl and cling
oh!when can i rid of u
Filthy filthy dog!!

oh,my loving King,my heart bleeds in pain
this throne,reeking from the old dog,
you ask still to sit on?
this wayward kingdom u wish to reign?

Safe in the arms of Jesus

"My child,if u go for this...
you will miss God's best."
said the voice i trust.
jolting me awake to a whole new phase
'But Lord, everything seems fine'
i thought...and then i hushed myself.
He speaks and i obey.
With a special gladness...
Ah but it is not easy
And i fret and i toss n turn.
whats to be done...
for the Lord has spoken
oh whats to be done!
Lord, my way n the world's eyes,
they say its fine.
i have not been utterly selfish
and i felt it fine in my heart
Why then do u say so, O Lord...
Father!!!... why...
And i pray and i pray...
and i toss n turn...
and i only lay open palms to say
'i dont understand'
fine Father, if it be not your will,
close this door!!!
and i shall wonder and i shall fret
but consider me not,at that time
for i am a spoilt little child
i may ask for a shining dagger
cry with all my might for it.
but you are my Father
and Your love refuses me the dagger,i know.
let me be bewildered but do Your will Lord.
do Your will.
for i have long given up my life
and its yours now to rip up or mould
to bond or to carve into
and if u would,that i should walk through flames,
Father,i promise i will cry my eyes out
and in pain,scream my throat sore
but do your will father.
do Your will.
i do not understand what i may be asking for
but i know that i mean it.
Only give me the grace through it all,
this i ask.
do Your will.
"My child, This Is my will!
Be at peace...
For i tested you
'in a world of 'rights',
does my Word stand against it all'
You placed it first and now,
be at peace..."
Tremble at His Word, o my soul
Know that my Father is Lord!



PS.Nothing of consequence comes from a decision or from solutions but there is unexplainable peace that the knowledge brings; "Know that my Father is Lord!!!"

Psalm 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God
Colossians 1:17 He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together.
Isaiah 55:8-9 'My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways,' says the Lord. 'For as the heavens are higher than the earth, So are My ways higher than your ways, And My thoughts than your thoughts.

.

"ninnoden dhaivame.. njan cherattee..." (Nearer, my Lord, to thee, Nearer to thee)

The tide rising looms large
Ah but a second more
And it shall swallow me…
But a while back I tread the beaches
Picking shells and nodding to passersby
Admiring the ocean blue, the setting sun
And the calm of the air, wondering
Where in all this is God?
Surely I must feel Him, I must know
His presence… and it cut my heart
Some terrible sin has cast asunder
I thought… my Father from me.
The pain, the ache of a soul lost
Oh! But that soul was me…
Tears came not and sighs stopped not.
The calm of the sands of time teased my agony
And I felt like a fool
Reduced to actions of old
Once done with a greater purpose…
Now a ritual, I mused.
I stopped by the sea and looked far into the horizon
Feeling nothing; only a heavy heart and a lost song
I did not notice the wave
As it curled its way slowly
I saw it as it loomed large
And I searched myself hurriedly
For that panic of old, the fear of old
The frightened helplessness that oft gripped me
Ah! But I could not find it
In its place I found a joy, unexplained
A calm that seemed blind to my state
Totally without reason, so it seemed
For the tide would swallow me any moment
And yet as I searched my heart deep
I found but a song!
Tears stung my dry remorseful eyes
As I was taught my greatest lesson ever
Oh...oh…!!
If the oceans were my tears they would not suffice
Even still am I the base sinner of old
I judged the Lord on my standards
I forgot the words He once whispered in my heart
And I had answered yes Lord! Yes!
Ah he has always been worthy but I!!
Not once, not twice…
Have I failed him
And yet, He would not leave me
For He is my Father.
How great a calling my Father has entrusted me
Peace and calm, turmoil and storms.
My Father trusts me this much.
A lifetime is worth trying to be worthy!



“My child, of miracles or signs, you shall see none; yet trust in me. Have you the faith for that?”


...

Bind Beggar on a Summer Day

Was it not but yesterday…
Rivers of love rendered fertile the soils of my heart
Not a dry patch in once-parched land, my Saviour by me
His love engulfed my being, soothed my soul ‘living waters
Existence I had no more but in Him,
And I knew no doubt, that this I am made for.
Like a new bride I gushed…
In trust and surrender I leant upon my Lord, entirely
I could spend an eternity here… if only I could…
Oh the joy I knew!
As the world vacated my being, leaving nothing
Not even footprints for old-times-sake.
Wherefrom comes this deafening silence now
How oh how did the darkness set in
Where is the voice of my Lord,
the warmth of His reassuring presence
The calm rest of His peace…

Like a man struck blind by a curse I grope in the dark
Desperate, I know not where to search, only Whom.
Tears flow not and my heart is hard
For the one I seek, I am yet to find…

Oh but for one look my Saviour as bestowed on Peter
That I may flee the crowds and weep out my molten heart
Long to sleep in the mighty arms of my Father
But I find Him not in my restless nights…
I once asked Him to come to me in my dreams
That I may not miss His presence even then
But now I have no dreams and if any, He is not there!!!
I seek Him in every glint of love, every act of kindness
Each chiding word and the corners of my ailing heart
But He is not there as I seek…
How was I deceived to turn from the light that led me…
The hand on the plough, whence did I retrieve…
A blind beggar groping, even as the sun shines
This I am reduced to…

For Him I hated the world and turned my back on
Into its wide flung arms, I dare not return
Let no mortal think I will be deceived again
For I have known Him and no less shall satisfy
I seek my Lord… His grace will make me whole
I want to see again the glory of old
My Lord I seek… and none else shall satisfy.

"I want to spend my lifetime loving you"

I want to say goodbye...
We have known this for some time now
Our relationship has become empty and dry
But I am sorry I led you on
I am sorry I gave you the wrong idea
I am sorry I let you think we could be together; forever
I am sorry I let us depend on each other so much…
I am sorry I was not all that you thought I was
Many a dream did we weave into the fabric of our lives
Many a life we promised each other
Believe it or not, I meant to keep my promises
i hurt when i hurt u
glowed at your approval
took pains to please you, be in your good books
yea... in many a way.
But now please find it in you…
Somewhere within you… to forgive me…
I cannot say I was an innocent lass
that I did not know it
that my heart was never mine
but belonged to another…
I knew it… I always did…
That is the truth.
I could not tell you for fear of losing you altogether
(ah.. my vanity knows no bounds!)
I could not bear that
I was never ready to admit it
To accept it, to comprehend fully
I was afraid… of what I was not sure of…
And then I was also afraid …
That I would fail him, just as I have failed you
The turmoil, the pain that I went through is indescribable
Not sure how to move on; what to make of it
All that I had built with courage and belief in myself
now lay in shambles
Life became meaningless, truly so to the core
I wrung my hands and lay them bare and open in despair…
And that was when I understood…
That pain was inevitable
But the truth could not be ignored, no more…
The face that sustained me through all those dark nights
was never yours, but always his…
I cannot betray him anymore; I have done enough all these years.
deep called unto deep.
And so I write this letter…
To end it all.
To tell you that ever since I can remember,
I have been in love with another
I had just met him; knew nothing much about him
When you came along
You swept me off my feet so fast,
with empty promises
and sweet whisperings of a selfish love
eliciting the same from me.
I was enchanted, thought I was in love
When I already belonged to another…
had given my heart to another…
I was cheating you… and me….
He loved me even before I knew him
And yet, he said nothing,
He loved me too much for that; he let me be
Hoping that someday I would come to him
And I …? I chose to ignore it…
I was not innocent, I concede again
I knew it and yet I was not faithful to the love I had for him
Now I confess, I have decided to come full circle
I want to spend the rest of my life with him
trying to make amends for the wrong I did,
the pain I caused him
i am still clumsy and trip many a time but
I want to spend the rest of my life trying to make him happy
I want to know more about him, love him with my entire being
Sit by his side and fulfill his smallest wish, obey him
For all I am worth, I want to spend my life trying to please him,
Soon I will forget you and you must not try to come after me
Coz he knows I love him too now and he protects me
You cannot stand up to him…
i love him because he first loved me
and i shall learn at his feet.
I am in love with Jesus
And there is space for none other in my heart
where he is now…
Not even you… for I have found peace at last.

Never was yours,
Angie.

PS. Ah, World, I bear you no ill-will and never will for you are but a pawn in the hands of a pathetic creature whose time is running out. We shall run but on parallel tracks and that, only till we reach this turn, ‘Death’, and then no more.Greater is He who is in me than who is in the world.

Tell me the old old story...

Hear all thou who will
Thou whose intellect art superior to mine
and those whose are not...
And those who are willing to think
I speak to you who say that there is no God
and you who say God is but a controlling force
you who say God is a concept invented
for calming man in his troubles
i speak to them who claim understanding of the 'balance'
of the spiritual and non-spiritual
you who say that life is to enjoy
the pleasures on earth
and to satisfy intellectual thirsts,
yearnings for wordly wisdom
you who understand a God who makes sense
a God who does what makes sense
you who profess deep down that
anyone who seeks God like an idiot and seeks none other,
he is missing out on so much in life...
tell me once more ..
teach me the intelligent thoughts
the sensible ones…
i was like you once, full of intellect
but i lost it all overnight
i cannot stay and listen to you now
for i have no time.
i have much work that remains...
and I am to make up for lost time
so write me all your arguments
and all your understandings...
write me all that i need to hear and know
to be convinced that there is no God or
to be convinced why God is the one you speak of...
I promise that, one day when i sit by my Father,
The God Almighty,
i shall ask Him to read them to me...

P.S. Dedicated to my Lord Jesus Christ who is the author of my faith, to whom i give all credit.
1Corinth 1:31, 3:7