Will this end ??

My skin burns. I cant bear to look at myself. Its like a plague that i can see creep in inch by inch , slowly, but not so slowly. I cant sleep and I cant be awake. If i sleep I tear myself open and water oozes besides blood. My body radiates heat , I feel hot & I need to switch on the fan but when I do, I shiver so much my teeth chatter loudly. I am scared of the night because its the worst part. Everything I have done during the day comes back like a bad deed at night. If i had sweat a little, its red, rough and raised skin there. If i scratched without knowing, its an unhealable wound now. I cant lie down. I cant even sit because any surface contact is burning my skin. It hurts. I pace the floor at night ,until exhausted, I drop into the bed and fall asleep immediately. Then I dont know anything for a certain blissful period. Medicine has no cure for me. Now, they dont even give me relief. I watch my own body disintegrate before my very eyes. If this is to multiply on and on, I would soon cease to exist.Its painful and itchy and humiliating and ... a lot more.

When you see yourself come down like this you wonder if you are anybody at all. Diseases dont respect the human entity. People and friends walk about like they dont have a care. And i hang my head to wince. I choose the darkest corner so i might be missed being seen by at least some people. I hug my arms under my table when I talk to them. I am secretly wondering how long I can keep coming to work at all. I hardly talk to anyone. Inside, I am screaming.

Is there an end to this? My mind wanders to the various forms of help i could get , including areas of medicine. I frantically search my mind for persons i may talk to but immediately the futility of it strikes me.
I have been in and out of this phase for a long time. In for longer than out. I have seen every dimension of what is real and what isnt. This time I have reached the end of my rope. Depression was my strongest companion. I gave up. I had enough. I cant take anymore I kept saying. The sting of pain & extreme itchy sensations pervading the body does strange things to one's mind and heart. I wish i had the words to truly describe my state. I dont.

What does God have to do with all this? Of course I thought of Him and entreated Him in many ways. I pleaded , I promised, I cried, I shouted... How can a God so loving let me suffer beyond my last strand of strength. I said all the right words in the right way from the holy book. And then after years of struggling with God, recently,I gave up. Simply because He wasnt helping. I gave up trying. There was a time when I came to know the Lord in truth. In that day He wrote in my heart His love for me. I said every angry word I knew now but i couldnt bring myself to question His love. I always knew it was me. So now I gave up. I felt ragged, torn, defeated. I reached the end of myself. And there is no more of me. Whats the use? I cant even live a normal life. Whats the use? There was nothing left for me really. And so i prayed to the Lord of my life that He would take charge of my life completely once again and if He would heal me now, I was prepared to pay any cost it took to follow Jesus wholeheartedy. I said just show me the cost and I am prepared to pay it. and He showed me... the first of many decisions I have made ever since, decisions in favour of His will over mine. I will always remember that I submitted when I had nothing to lose. I am humbled beyond measure in the remembrance that I submitted when I was an empty vessel. I did not empty out anything to let Him fill me. I was simply empty. There is no glory in what I did. And there is every glory in what He did. God accepted me.

How do I know that? Because He filled me with a peace that was almost criminal under the circumstances I was in. How can a person who cant sit, stand, sleep or walk without pain be calm ? I know my temperament. I dont conceal pain. So least of all, me. How? God is my father - will a father ever allow suffering without intending good? Then how much more with God? How can I tell those who care that its ok, I will be alright when I was not? I told them the physical suffering was incredibly unbearable - truth.There was no relief there and I beseeched God to take it away each day. But He gave me grace alone. Grace to me is that peace that came to me in the midst of agony and surpassed all reason , defied all logic. God gave me grace. And it sufficed for the day.

God is healing me. I am much better now, physically too. And each day I am filled with fresh love & thirst for my Lord... yes, my saviour.


P.S. This song comes to mind

" I'll walk closer now on the higher way
Through the darkest night will You hold my hand

Jesus, guide my way

Oh, You mourn with me and You dance with me
For my heart of hearts is bound to You  

.......... "