Sunday, April 19, 2009

"I want to spend my lifetime loving you"

I want to say goodbye...
We have known this for some time now
Our relationship has become empty and dry
But I am sorry I led you on
I am sorry I gave you the wrong idea
I am sorry I let you think we could be together; forever
I am sorry I let us depend on each other so much…
I am sorry I was not all that you thought I was
Many a dream did we weave into the fabric of our lives
Many a life we promised each other
Believe it or not, I meant to keep my promises
i hurt when i hurt u
glowed at your approval
took pains to please you, be in your good books
yea... in many a way.
But now please find it in you…
Somewhere within you… to forgive me…
I cannot say I was an innocent lass
that I did not know it
that my heart was never mine
but belonged to another…
I knew it… I always did…
That is the truth.
I could not tell you for fear of losing you altogether
(ah.. my vanity knows no bounds!)
I could not bear that
I was never ready to admit it
To accept it, to comprehend fully
I was afraid… of what I was not sure of…
And then I was also afraid …
That I would fail him, just as I have failed you
The turmoil, the pain that I went through is indescribable
Not sure how to move on; what to make of it
All that I had built with courage and belief in myself
now lay in shambles
Life became meaningless, truly so to the core
I wrung my hands and lay them bare and open in despair…
And that was when I understood…
That pain was inevitable
But the truth could not be ignored, no more…
The face that sustained me through all those dark nights
was never yours, but always his…
I cannot betray him anymore; I have done enough all these years.
deep called unto deep.
And so I write this letter…
To end it all.
To tell you that ever since I can remember,
I have been in love with another
I had just met him; knew nothing much about him
When you came along
You swept me off my feet so fast,
with empty promises
and sweet whisperings of a selfish love
eliciting the same from me.
I was enchanted, thought I was in love
When I already belonged to another…
had given my heart to another…
I was cheating you… and me….
He loved me even before I knew him
And yet, he said nothing,
He loved me too much for that; he let me be
Hoping that someday I would come to him
And I …? I chose to ignore it…
I was not innocent, I concede again
I knew it and yet I was not faithful to the love I had for him
Now I confess, I have decided to come full circle
I want to spend the rest of my life with him
trying to make amends for the wrong I did,
the pain I caused him
i am still clumsy and trip many a time but
I want to spend the rest of my life trying to make him happy
I want to know more about him, love him with my entire being
Sit by his side and fulfill his smallest wish, obey him
For all I am worth, I want to spend my life trying to please him,
Soon I will forget you and you must not try to come after me
Coz he knows I love him too now and he protects me
You cannot stand up to him…
i love him because he first loved me
and i shall learn at his feet.
I am in love with Jesus
And there is space for none other in my heart
where he is now…
Not even you… for I have found peace at last.

Never was yours,
Angie.

PS. Ah, World, I bear you no ill-will and never will for you are but a pawn in the hands of a pathetic creature whose time is running out. We shall run but on parallel tracks and that, only till we reach this turn, ‘Death’, and then no more.Greater is He who is in me than who is in the world.