"ninnoden dhaivame.. njan cherattee..." (Nearer, my Lord, to thee, Nearer to thee)

The tide rising looms large
Ah but a second more
And it shall swallow me…
But a while back I tread the beaches
Picking shells and nodding to passersby
Admiring the ocean blue, the setting sun
And the calm of the air, wondering
Where in all this is God?
Surely I must feel Him, I must know
His presence… and it cut my heart
Some terrible sin has cast asunder
I thought… my Father from me.
The pain, the ache of a soul lost
Oh! But that soul was me…
Tears came not and sighs stopped not.
The calm of the sands of time teased my agony
And I felt like a fool
Reduced to actions of old
Once done with a greater purpose…
Now a ritual, I mused.
I stopped by the sea and looked far into the horizon
Feeling nothing; only a heavy heart and a lost song
I did not notice the wave
As it curled its way slowly
I saw it as it loomed large
And I searched myself hurriedly
For that panic of old, the fear of old
The frightened helplessness that oft gripped me
Ah! But I could not find it
In its place I found a joy, unexplained
A calm that seemed blind to my state
Totally without reason, so it seemed
For the tide would swallow me any moment
And yet as I searched my heart deep
I found but a song!
Tears stung my dry remorseful eyes
As I was taught my greatest lesson ever
Oh...oh…!!
If the oceans were my tears they would not suffice
Even still am I the base sinner of old
I judged the Lord on my standards
I forgot the words He once whispered in my heart
And I had answered yes Lord! Yes!
Ah he has always been worthy but I!!
Not once, not twice…
Have I failed him
And yet, He would not leave me
For He is my Father.
How great a calling my Father has entrusted me
Peace and calm, turmoil and storms.
My Father trusts me this much.
A lifetime is worth trying to be worthy!



“My child, of miracles or signs, you shall see none; yet trust in me. Have you the faith for that?”


...

Bind Beggar on a Summer Day

Was it not but yesterday…
Rivers of love rendered fertile the soils of my heart
Not a dry patch in once-parched land, my Saviour by me
His love engulfed my being, soothed my soul ‘living waters
Existence I had no more but in Him,
And I knew no doubt, that this I am made for.
Like a new bride I gushed…
In trust and surrender I leant upon my Lord, entirely
I could spend an eternity here… if only I could…
Oh the joy I knew!
As the world vacated my being, leaving nothing
Not even footprints for old-times-sake.
Wherefrom comes this deafening silence now
How oh how did the darkness set in
Where is the voice of my Lord,
the warmth of His reassuring presence
The calm rest of His peace…

Like a man struck blind by a curse I grope in the dark
Desperate, I know not where to search, only Whom.
Tears flow not and my heart is hard
For the one I seek, I am yet to find…

Oh but for one look my Saviour as bestowed on Peter
That I may flee the crowds and weep out my molten heart
Long to sleep in the mighty arms of my Father
But I find Him not in my restless nights…
I once asked Him to come to me in my dreams
That I may not miss His presence even then
But now I have no dreams and if any, He is not there!!!
I seek Him in every glint of love, every act of kindness
Each chiding word and the corners of my ailing heart
But He is not there as I seek…
How was I deceived to turn from the light that led me…
The hand on the plough, whence did I retrieve…
A blind beggar groping, even as the sun shines
This I am reduced to…

For Him I hated the world and turned my back on
Into its wide flung arms, I dare not return
Let no mortal think I will be deceived again
For I have known Him and no less shall satisfy
I seek my Lord… His grace will make me whole
I want to see again the glory of old
My Lord I seek… and none else shall satisfy.

"I want to spend my lifetime loving you"

I want to say goodbye...
We have known this for some time now
Our relationship has become empty and dry
But I am sorry I led you on
I am sorry I gave you the wrong idea
I am sorry I let you think we could be together; forever
I am sorry I let us depend on each other so much…
I am sorry I was not all that you thought I was
Many a dream did we weave into the fabric of our lives
Many a life we promised each other
Believe it or not, I meant to keep my promises
i hurt when i hurt u
glowed at your approval
took pains to please you, be in your good books
yea... in many a way.
But now please find it in you…
Somewhere within you… to forgive me…
I cannot say I was an innocent lass
that I did not know it
that my heart was never mine
but belonged to another…
I knew it… I always did…
That is the truth.
I could not tell you for fear of losing you altogether
(ah.. my vanity knows no bounds!)
I could not bear that
I was never ready to admit it
To accept it, to comprehend fully
I was afraid… of what I was not sure of…
And then I was also afraid …
That I would fail him, just as I have failed you
The turmoil, the pain that I went through is indescribable
Not sure how to move on; what to make of it
All that I had built with courage and belief in myself
now lay in shambles
Life became meaningless, truly so to the core
I wrung my hands and lay them bare and open in despair…
And that was when I understood…
That pain was inevitable
But the truth could not be ignored, no more…
The face that sustained me through all those dark nights
was never yours, but always his…
I cannot betray him anymore; I have done enough all these years.
deep called unto deep.
And so I write this letter…
To end it all.
To tell you that ever since I can remember,
I have been in love with another
I had just met him; knew nothing much about him
When you came along
You swept me off my feet so fast,
with empty promises
and sweet whisperings of a selfish love
eliciting the same from me.
I was enchanted, thought I was in love
When I already belonged to another…
had given my heart to another…
I was cheating you… and me….
He loved me even before I knew him
And yet, he said nothing,
He loved me too much for that; he let me be
Hoping that someday I would come to him
And I …? I chose to ignore it…
I was not innocent, I concede again
I knew it and yet I was not faithful to the love I had for him
Now I confess, I have decided to come full circle
I want to spend the rest of my life with him
trying to make amends for the wrong I did,
the pain I caused him
i am still clumsy and trip many a time but
I want to spend the rest of my life trying to make him happy
I want to know more about him, love him with my entire being
Sit by his side and fulfill his smallest wish, obey him
For all I am worth, I want to spend my life trying to please him,
Soon I will forget you and you must not try to come after me
Coz he knows I love him too now and he protects me
You cannot stand up to him…
i love him because he first loved me
and i shall learn at his feet.
I am in love with Jesus
And there is space for none other in my heart
where he is now…
Not even you… for I have found peace at last.

Never was yours,
Angie.

PS. Ah, World, I bear you no ill-will and never will for you are but a pawn in the hands of a pathetic creature whose time is running out. We shall run but on parallel tracks and that, only till we reach this turn, ‘Death’, and then no more.Greater is He who is in me than who is in the world.

Tell me the old old story...

Hear all thou who will
Thou whose intellect art superior to mine
and those whose are not...
And those who are willing to think
I speak to you who say that there is no God
and you who say God is but a controlling force
you who say God is a concept invented
for calming man in his troubles
i speak to them who claim understanding of the 'balance'
of the spiritual and non-spiritual
you who say that life is to enjoy
the pleasures on earth
and to satisfy intellectual thirsts,
yearnings for wordly wisdom
you who understand a God who makes sense
a God who does what makes sense
you who profess deep down that
anyone who seeks God like an idiot and seeks none other,
he is missing out on so much in life...
tell me once more ..
teach me the intelligent thoughts
the sensible ones…
i was like you once, full of intellect
but i lost it all overnight
i cannot stay and listen to you now
for i have no time.
i have much work that remains...
and I am to make up for lost time
so write me all your arguments
and all your understandings...
write me all that i need to hear and know
to be convinced that there is no God or
to be convinced why God is the one you speak of...
I promise that, one day when i sit by my Father,
The God Almighty,
i shall ask Him to read them to me...

P.S. Dedicated to my Lord Jesus Christ who is the author of my faith, to whom i give all credit.
1Corinth 1:31, 3:7

All it takes...

The journey was tiresome. How long can one sit in a train this long and not get restless i wondered. In the midst of relatives, time flew and yet i felt the journey's grind. At times i shifted uneasily in my seat when i thought of him. Sure, he's my cousin and we grew up together and .... blah blah blah... but he's a salaried individual now. corporate guy, as they read in the papers in the village. and i am still that village, all of it. nothing about me has changed.

he went off to study in the big city four years back. and i hardly saw him between then. its mighty expensive, this travel, and it takes four days just to get home. so i never saw much of him even when he came... Now he was paying for all our tickets you know?! huyyoo. he must be making so much money to be able to do that. as the days lit up our space only to fade off, so did my hopes of finding him the same as i once knew. he's doing a duty by bringing us over to the city. he knows that his relatives will be very happy and commend his mother because he is doing this. and he knows how important that is to his mother. he was always a good son... i have read that in the city people live a very fast life. they have less time for much beyond oneself... what about him? was he a city guy now? i felt it unlikely that he was not. it was nobody's fault. i will never blame him. God knows, i might have become the same way if i had been in his place, maybe worse. I might not have even sent for my relatives this way. i frowned at myself and my thoughts....

the train pulled into a crowded noisy station. it was very very big. even bigger than the one we boarded from which was the nearest town. people walking to and fro, brisk movements, baggage, shouting, announcements, coolies pulling at my uncle's cloth bag... in the midst of it all, i made it a point to keep my mouth shut. everyone had so much to tell him. about the things we had made and brought him, telling him how thin and tired he had gotten, that his hair had grown too much... my little cousin, mouth agape, pulled at his trousers and felt his full-sleeved shirt... i smiled smally... everything was perfectly as i knew it would be. no problems. all was fine. we moved on, a small mass in this big mob making our way towards the exit.

i didnt notice that he slowed a bit.i looked up when i felt a nudge. he did not say a word ... his eyes, they were just the way they were when he first left the village... happiness is a warmth i knew then.. yes, everything was perfect and harmony reigned within.

PS:Dedicated to my brothers who have a gift for radiating love and happiness

And thats why...

. When i woke up in the morning i felt numb. The fear was overwhelming. When he told me he would go ahead of me and talk with them i was sceptical but let him. What could he do? They wouldnt listen to him. How could they. I had no clue how he was going to straighten things up. They hardly knew him.

. As i brushed my teeth, in no hurry, i mulled over it...the family is one in name alone. Those cold undercurrents have surfaced in the name of the silliest of trifles.It shamed me to tell him of the situation.And he did not reprove me as i confided in him last night.I felt small as i told him but he calmed me as i spoke to him...

. I intended to scream at the top of my lungs when i reached the house but then i thought twice. he had said he would talk to them. i didnt know what he had told them. i was not going to ruin it with my immature actions. I had called him on the way to the house. His voice was strong and calm as he told me to quit worrying and just come over. Everything was fine. I stopped nibbling at my fingernails...As i got out of the car, he came up to me and we walked in together. There was a dead calm about the room. the mother sat at the side sofa. I looked at him. He closed his eyes in assurance. I went up to her and sat by her side. She looked at me.. her chin trembled ...eyes welled up...

i gave a weak smile as i realized that things were going to be better after all...

I walked out, my hands firmly clasped in his and my heart full. I loved him more and more each day... i cant help it...

And thats why...

Thats why I pray every moment that I never have to live a life without my God.. and thats why i pray.

apart,Torn

unbid,crept in like a cold stream
through the confines of my heart
trailing a path i knew not
scorching the trails it traced

agony is the spark
gravity the import
life the victim
writhing unseen

" I Do "

I love him.

I have not met him yet but yes, i do. I have not seen him nor heard his voice,i do not know what he looks like,i do not know if he is short or tall,handsome or not,if he is soft-spoken or harsh,if he appreciates nature and its wonders,i do not know what his likes and dislikes are;but yes, i do.

I do not know if he has a temper,if he is capable of expression of his feelings-his heart's words,if he hates music or travelling, but yes, i do.I do not know if he will be possessive or totally detached or compromised,i do not know if he will love me the way i am,if he will like my wild ways,if he will reprimand me or love me more for it,if he will trek the hills with me,if he will treat me as an equal,as a child or high-hand me,if i will have to be strong for the two of us or if he will support me through my trivial tensions;but yes, i do.

I do not know if he is a family man,if he likes children,if he will come home early at the slightest opportunity,if he is a romantic or not,if he is playful or serious,if he likes socialising or is a loner; i do not know if he is passionate about life, i do not know if he loves God the way i hope he does or if he questions His very existence;but yes, i do.


I do not know if i will hum a carefree song in his presence, if i can shreik when i feel like it,if i can skip my way through the rooms again, but yes, i do.I know that my heart will hurt but i do not know for which;for my love returned beyond measure or for my love never reciprocated. I do not know if i will ever be the same again for better or for worse but yes, i still do love him,already. I Do...


PS. Inspired by my friend's upcoming (arranged) marriage and my own thoughts on the institution :)

A boy, a fish and thunder

It was during my term at the general clinic in a rural corner of our country (the place is of no consequence here and hence i purposefully forget its name) that i met Joseph. A measely kid of about 10,he didnt know his age.

I was in one of the worst phases of my life as i was finishing medical school.i felt rotten. not suprising for a divorced guy with half a dozen overdue bills to pay... not counting the fact that i owned a house no more... my 'ex-wife' got to keep it. she had a good lawyer.i would too if i had had the money to hire one to convince the court that i was being 'cheated' and left 'bankrupt'!!! well if you call having a pair of wealthy parents and owning a summer house besides a yacht as 'bankrupt' yep; she was bankrupt to the skin!..life was unfair alright... you bet it was... and i had every right to be bitter and grumble for all i cared. nobody was anybody to question me on that...

Joseph looked like any other kid there.. thin and emaciated. yet there was something about his eyes that drew me to him. it sparkled.he was dirty all over and had a ragged pair of shorts. no more. his eyes were the only clean thing on his face. i had no intention to be any kind of friend to him or for that matter to anyone at the time...i tolerated the kid;thats what i did. tolerated him.

he just showed up as i went on my rounds to the houses. he just sat by, hugging his knees as i examined or administered medicine to a patient. he listened as i spoke to them, mouth agape and lost to the world but for my voice.there were times when i spoke for him to hear.i had this notion that i was this really cool chap come down from the city and was glamorous and god-like to this street kid. so i just lived the part!

he knew he was different but he didnt know what to call it. rather, he did not know what We called it!

he knew every pebble by shape and he could explain how they were formed. he never had any kind of schooling... he could tell me the difference between the thorns of two rose bushes. i never knew they were different at all.to me thorns were just thorns. he spoke of the shapes of the rocks on the river banks as if they were alive... the rivers were not 'gurgling' to him. they were laughing...

if at any point of time my thoughts were distracted even for a moment, he could sense it. and he would be 'gone'... i could say nothing to get him back for me. he would start afresh when i was all ears again... my words futile. my actions were words to him.

he took me to his 'home' once. it was a tarpauline sheet supported by sticks against the stone wall of the orphanage.the orphanage was full. there was no place for him...they only fed him... stacked beneath a sheet here in his den was a set of cardboards, white ones and brown ones.it seemed trivial to keep them at all.

we watched kids play on the grounds from afar. he showed me how the dust rises when they kicked the ball. as the players moved on, his gaze would linger on the settling dust. he said if thunder had a form, it would be that cloud of dust. it came to life with a roar and subsided to nothing, as if it had never happened. as one player leapt up in the air to make a kick in the air, he talked about the time he had seen a tiger run up the hill on the village outskirts, after its prey. as we watched, there erupted a fight among the players,mainly two of them... a mongoose and a snake,each wanting to win... the weaker one for survival, the stronger one for pride and existence...

he described the motion and speed and grace of the players.there was wonder in his eyes,in his voice. how do they do it!? he was actually saying (in our language-we simplify things down so easily!).. isnt it awesome?glorious?

for him, nothing was unexplained. there was a reason for anything in life.everything was beautiful...vivid... the Creator was unparalleled in Glory, according to him. he did not preach any of this. he practised...

once as we sat by the river at the end of my(our) workday a fish got washed-in, near the bank.nothing new about that but before it could be taken back by the receding waters,he grabbed the flapping fish.it was quite large and was one of those species that can be out of water for a longer period.there was a serious deep slash across its belly... i dont remember learning or reading how to stitch a wounded fish anywhere in my medical books but i did just that. i did it when i saw the confidence he had in me. he did not ask or even look at me. just placed it before me... no, dont ask me if that fish is still alive. it seemed fine when we put it back.. thats all i know. perhaps it became a legend in the fish world or something...

i left the village after our assignment was completed in the same non-commital state i had gone there.thats what i thought but back in the city i knew i was not really the same. i had lost my bitterness.my humour was back in place and i smiled to myself as i jogged the same path...
perhaps the embers had not died down within me... that fire within us that believes in the wonder and goodness of life could still be kindled.

and so against all reason, i made back to that village one day, to meet the 'cool,glamourous and god-like' chap... he was not there. no, he had not died but was adopted.seems he was on the adoption list at the orphanage.i felt happy for him and wondered how soon it would take for them to recognise his special gifts.

life has not changed like a dream for me. but i have. recently i held this exhibition of my paintings.it took people a good deal of explanation to understand why i had named one 'thunder' and so on...

they ask me... why have i titled them "Asthma"...

words cannot do justice to the beauty and purpose of harsh truth sometimes...sometimes, just sometimes,there is a superior language...

Would To Me You Would Come

Life's darkest passages
dark enough to hide my life from me
The nights are long
The days are torture
wake up every day
yearning to come back here
wake up every day wishing i hadnt
A future as bleak as nothing i know
nothing to live for
nothing to hope on
find love irritating
an obligation
friends,family,relatives
care for none
and nothing
forgotten how to smile
horribly painful
i lie awake wishing
the sky were the ceiling
and the stars were above me
wishing i knew why i was alive..
what does mankind do
what do i do for mankind
whats the joy of it

whats the point??????

would to me you would come...
oh ye who seems unwelcome to everyone
thou art most welcome to me.
tell me not though
that i have to do this again
live
ever...