A boy, a fish and thunder

It was during my term at the general clinic in a rural corner of our country (the place is of no consequence here and hence i purposefully forget its name) that i met Joseph. A measely kid of about 10,he didnt know his age.

I was in one of the worst phases of my life as i was finishing medical school.i felt rotten. not suprising for a divorced guy with half a dozen overdue bills to pay... not counting the fact that i owned a house no more... my 'ex-wife' got to keep it. she had a good lawyer.i would too if i had had the money to hire one to convince the court that i was being 'cheated' and left 'bankrupt'!!! well if you call having a pair of wealthy parents and owning a summer house besides a yacht as 'bankrupt' yep; she was bankrupt to the skin!..life was unfair alright... you bet it was... and i had every right to be bitter and grumble for all i cared. nobody was anybody to question me on that...

Joseph looked like any other kid there.. thin and emaciated. yet there was something about his eyes that drew me to him. it sparkled.he was dirty all over and had a ragged pair of shorts. no more. his eyes were the only clean thing on his face. i had no intention to be any kind of friend to him or for that matter to anyone at the time...i tolerated the kid;thats what i did. tolerated him.

he just showed up as i went on my rounds to the houses. he just sat by, hugging his knees as i examined or administered medicine to a patient. he listened as i spoke to them, mouth agape and lost to the world but for my voice.there were times when i spoke for him to hear.i had this notion that i was this really cool chap come down from the city and was glamorous and god-like to this street kid. so i just lived the part!

he knew he was different but he didnt know what to call it. rather, he did not know what We called it!

he knew every pebble by shape and he could explain how they were formed. he never had any kind of schooling... he could tell me the difference between the thorns of two rose bushes. i never knew they were different at all.to me thorns were just thorns. he spoke of the shapes of the rocks on the river banks as if they were alive... the rivers were not 'gurgling' to him. they were laughing...

if at any point of time my thoughts were distracted even for a moment, he could sense it. and he would be 'gone'... i could say nothing to get him back for me. he would start afresh when i was all ears again... my words futile. my actions were words to him.

he took me to his 'home' once. it was a tarpauline sheet supported by sticks against the stone wall of the orphanage.the orphanage was full. there was no place for him...they only fed him... stacked beneath a sheet here in his den was a set of cardboards, white ones and brown ones.it seemed trivial to keep them at all.

we watched kids play on the grounds from afar. he showed me how the dust rises when they kicked the ball. as the players moved on, his gaze would linger on the settling dust. he said if thunder had a form, it would be that cloud of dust. it came to life with a roar and subsided to nothing, as if it had never happened. as one player leapt up in the air to make a kick in the air, he talked about the time he had seen a tiger run up the hill on the village outskirts, after its prey. as we watched, there erupted a fight among the players,mainly two of them... a mongoose and a snake,each wanting to win... the weaker one for survival, the stronger one for pride and existence...

he described the motion and speed and grace of the players.there was wonder in his eyes,in his voice. how do they do it!? he was actually saying (in our language-we simplify things down so easily!).. isnt it awesome?glorious?

for him, nothing was unexplained. there was a reason for anything in life.everything was beautiful...vivid... the Creator was unparalleled in Glory, according to him. he did not preach any of this. he practised...

once as we sat by the river at the end of my(our) workday a fish got washed-in, near the bank.nothing new about that but before it could be taken back by the receding waters,he grabbed the flapping fish.it was quite large and was one of those species that can be out of water for a longer period.there was a serious deep slash across its belly... i dont remember learning or reading how to stitch a wounded fish anywhere in my medical books but i did just that. i did it when i saw the confidence he had in me. he did not ask or even look at me. just placed it before me... no, dont ask me if that fish is still alive. it seemed fine when we put it back.. thats all i know. perhaps it became a legend in the fish world or something...

i left the village after our assignment was completed in the same non-commital state i had gone there.thats what i thought but back in the city i knew i was not really the same. i had lost my bitterness.my humour was back in place and i smiled to myself as i jogged the same path...
perhaps the embers had not died down within me... that fire within us that believes in the wonder and goodness of life could still be kindled.

and so against all reason, i made back to that village one day, to meet the 'cool,glamourous and god-like' chap... he was not there. no, he had not died but was adopted.seems he was on the adoption list at the orphanage.i felt happy for him and wondered how soon it would take for them to recognise his special gifts.

life has not changed like a dream for me. but i have. recently i held this exhibition of my paintings.it took people a good deal of explanation to understand why i had named one 'thunder' and so on...

they ask me... why have i titled them "Asthma"...

words cannot do justice to the beauty and purpose of harsh truth sometimes...sometimes, just sometimes,there is a superior language...

Would To Me You Would Come

Life's darkest passages
dark enough to hide my life from me
The nights are long
The days are torture
wake up every day
yearning to come back here
wake up every day wishing i hadnt
A future as bleak as nothing i know
nothing to live for
nothing to hope on
find love irritating
an obligation
friends,family,relatives
care for none
and nothing
forgotten how to smile
horribly painful
i lie awake wishing
the sky were the ceiling
and the stars were above me
wishing i knew why i was alive..
what does mankind do
what do i do for mankind
whats the joy of it

whats the point??????

would to me you would come...
oh ye who seems unwelcome to everyone
thou art most welcome to me.
tell me not though
that i have to do this again
live
ever...

Its Her Story.... Chapter4

She has grown so frail i thought when i saw her. She was asleep when i called on a visit. The daughter, a middle aged woman;a beauty by herself smiled as she came at the door.

She came to the verandah where i sat, reading the newspaper. Her attire was dishevelled but a starched white.. neat and dignified as always. She looked at me with a question in her eyes. I had learnt to read them. It was so easy in fact. Those two sparkling windows were forever open.

Yes, i was reading the newspaper. Something i never did in my 16 years on this earth so far. I felt the change myself. Something about her was gripping my life, transforming me too. A sobering grip.

Today i was feeling a bit irritated even as i came in. Dad and Mom had joined forces to deny me permission for a late night party at Maggie's place. (Maggie is my best friend though we have a crush on the same person... ). I felt i was old enough to know what was right and what was wrong.
Moreover i was becoming a very mature girl after i had become friends with 'meea' (thats what i called her)... I was no longer seeing the world through rose tinted glasses. How could they not see the changes. The way i read the newspaper... i looked after my baby sister with no comlpaint... i enquired after my grandmother's health... i always took care to call home if i had extra classes... all those important changes...

I felt i could picture meeaa's youthful face. She was not a beauty ever. Her smile always reached her eyes. Thats what i saw in her.

She settled down into her armchair slowly with a strange smile. And looked at me again. Waiting for the reason.

"Meea... how was it when you were small? Did your parents make irrational rules on you?" I hoped they hadnt. I wanted to link my life to hers. Tread the path she had...

Once again she smiled. And closed her eyes. After the longest short silence i had endured, she said... 'No... they never did'...

I smiled and giggled... "They let you go to the neighbours' even if it were late right, meea?" I guessed that that was the equivalent of my party...

She only smiled....

Its Her Story.. Chap3

'He'


' "See her... aaa... there... the one thats laughing now?"


The man in question searched trying not to be seen to be doing so. He spotted her.

A girl with hair braided in two thin loops.. she wore a bright green skirt and red blouse.Laughing loud as the group moved in no great hurry... Her face radiated a confidence and happiness. The kind of expression that told you the girl was in command of herself... a worthy conquest she would be. The kind that gave a man a feeling of worth to possess.

"Marry her. She's the smartest of them. midukkiya..."

The friend looked at him. He was a handsome man himself.. in his 20's. Kuriachan was already earning a heap from his own shop. A man of honest means. They had been trying to rope him in with eligible Girls in the village but he was busy building his shop. He had a shrewd sense in money matters. The eldest of a family with 10 siblings. His only brother was the third child but died when he was only eight... Snake bite... The nearest hospital of any sort was many miles away and the medium to reach there was across the thickets, a swinging rope-bridge and a long dusty road flanked by the paddy fields... and yes, on foot.

"Her mother passed away when she was seven. And with three sisters" the friend was saying... effecting a sigh. Of course it meant nothing to the fellow.On the contrary it was a hint that if he should want her, she was more for the taking than the usual procedures afforded for any girl.

The man smiled.Yes, the bubbly little girl looked perfect for him.He had decided. And she was hers.He had seen her see him... Now they moved away in concentrated discussion about him... or so he thought.


'She'


It was the first day after summer vacation.

Naaniamma was telling her of how she had got a 'pottu' on her forehead." A permanent one.. not the ordinary smeared one.' Pick a big red ant by the middle.. its swollen back means its got an egg in it. pop the tiny white egg out tto.. then press it onto your forehead where you want the 'pottu'. It sinks right in, Kalyaniii.. 'sathyam'!" "noooo" rang the voices in unison and they laughed at her..

The teasing and wisecracks followed for sometime as naaniamma tried to convince them. Her cousin next door was a verrrry big person... mother of a two year old. The cousin was four years older than her, she said ...and a very wise person. She could make lots of curries.. more than they knew. She must be very smart because her in-laws were nice to her. Hence her source was of the most reliable nature.

After the due tauntings, they sank into a more sober discussion of the truth of the story. " i think we should try it today after school" she said now...Nobody said anything but it was understood. When Susamma said anything, it was usually common word. She had that quality about her. To absorb vibes... There were girls in her class who envied her being first in class always... and most of the boys resented it... It hurt their pride... coming from a mere trifle of a girl...it was too much to endure There were very few who just respected her. She was also the most fun-loving of the lot. Always into mischiefs outside school.

"But you know what.... i heard that doing so is good.It makes you intelligent"......

" No.... what i think is that it harmful to the skin. The egg will go into your forehead and drop into your eyes sometimes. naaniamma must have been lucky alleee?? "

"i have heard that the egg will open because of the heat of our body and the ant will eat up the skin.... "


Susamma was silent. She was thinking of what was going to be taught in class today.

Today the 'maash' ('teacher')would anounce the class marks also.. What would it be this time?

She envisioned herself running up the slope into the arms of her waiting father with her slate .. in elation... she wanted to hear her father commend her... he would do so... yes, she knew it. She sighed.

A feeling of security enveloped her as she looked up and they crossed the school gate...

Its Her Story.. Chapter2

It was some time before i realized i was thinking of her. i had got some free time to myself inspite of all the school work and started thinking of my future... aspirations... a career.. a love... all that would possibly make up my life... A world of possibilities. Anything is possible from here on... anything may happen... My whole life awaited me.

And then i thought about her... Didnt she have these moments? what did she want to be? what were her aspirations... her life's wants?I was surprisingly fascinated at the thought.. what could they be? In her times... i wanted to live her life for a few moments and see. But how can i...

She was very surprised when i asked her. That was no secret from her expression..'Child, thats a very queer question...' she said. But that was was not an answer to me.

Once again i saw her look away into the far distance. That familiar expression. The same fire in her eyes that had struck me always...

After a long silence, i followed her gaze as we sat on the verandah; as usual i was at her feet. Another house stood there opposite ours. She was definitely not looking at that! And then it struck me... a wild possibility...

Had she not ever thought of such things?!

I felt the pang that comes with a thought to assure you of the truth of it... My excitement died down in full realization of a simple fact. I turned to her again. She turned to me and then she smiled. That warm smile of comfort. As if she were telling me it was okay... me...telling me...

i looked down without smiling. I felt 50 years older. I saw that her life was never simple. Not comprehensible in my world. Once i had wondered what her world was like. But i had peppered it with a lot of romance. Maybe i had been watching too many movies. Perhaps not. Perhaps it was my fertile imagination.

'I didnt want for anything at 11, child. but now i know what to wish for...Now that you ask,i wanted me to grow up, finish my education... and then, maybe marry.' she sighed. 'but then, all i did was marry'.

When Goldilocks broke her silence.. A study in human nature.

DISCLAIMER:Resemblance to any person living or dead is puerely coincidental and non-intentional.

They say dynamite comes in small packages. And wasnt there something about wise men having few words?... hmmm... just a thought.

The first time i set my eyes on Goldilocks, she struck me as... simple.I noticed she had light eyes but she had a pair of bodyguards guarding them that prevented me from exploring the magnitude of mystery in those eyes. A smiling cute faced girl was all i thought.

Whats in a name? and how much do you go by appearances...

Goldilocks is a good friend of mine. I want you to meet her.

She's petite... err understatement... but then i hope my opening sentence does the trick. She's got a horrid complex over it... i think she's got a complex that she does not have a complex.

Its her silence that first puzzled.. then irked... and finally fascinated me.

Yeah.. those eyes. I had a chance to decipher their language when the bodyguards went to sleep sometimes. Goldilocks doesnt speak much. Silence is the most infinitely translated language i believe. She's got a stand.Her own rules to go by.

When everyone is shouting at the top of their their voice to be heard , many are the times i have seen her stand there... watching, not a word but watching;a slight frown and concentrated observation... those eyes... it was too obvious.A Studied silence. Individualistic attitude. When confronted or addressed, the words are bold and firm.

Hats off, i thought as i looked away from that face. In awe, i smiled to myself at the final unveiling of the uniqueness of human nature and the traits that go with it.

I could sit back and relax with the knowledge.. Lets have the feather in the cap...:

A part of a conversation i overheard...' goldilocks c'mon how come you keep mum most of the time?'

I turned and saw them. And i smiled to myself .It was our secret... what would she answer...

'processing time yaar... i dont get the swing of the conversation half the time'

$%&*@!!!!!

And with it, my years of research on the mysteries nd intricancies of human nature.


PS: i'll be available at the Centre for Learned Scholars of Human Behaviour. Planning on a PhD

Its Her Story...

" I bowed my head when i was 15 when grandpa tied the knot..." her eyes glittered.. and she smiled.. toothless. she had a very bright smile. But this time i saw only bitterness in her eyes. " and? " i asked. I am always hungry for a new story.I saw little distinction between the ones she always told me and this one.

She sighed. Something about it made me feel like i felt her life waift past me when i knew it was just her breath.Even i could feel the difference now. This was not the usual story, i knew. It excited me and i gripped her knees even tighter as i looked up into her face. She was not looking at me. Her eyes were set somewhere far beyond." and i never raised it again... never had a chance"

She never struck me as an ordinary woman... or lady.. .or what do you call such a person? She was frail, small and very old. Yet she did not have the bent and her eyes always fascinated me. There was fire in her eyes. Her eyes always promised life. It always promised me something out of the ordinary... each day. Sometimes i didnt feel up to her. She seemed so strong somehow. And yet i saw her eyes well up now. But she wept not.

" Seven stones... you know that game, child? you know how we play it? 'achan' called me in while we were playing seven stones... i was winning" she chuckled "as always" and looked at me . There was mirth in her eyes.

" And they got me into a new sari. And then to the church..."

Her eyes lost that joy that had flashed past for a moment. How was i to know... that when the ceaseless chatterbox of a girl stopped her chatter, her eyes took over.

I waited... in rapt attention... to hear of a world i never knew. A world i could not understand or comprehend... her world...

Then again...

There's a place over there... Its a long long distance from where we stay. There's a house on top of a small hill. Then.. all the houses there are on hilltops. Electricity has yet to reach this place...

There's a lady in that house. Now you see her calling out for somebody. A little girl dashes across the doorway before you realize it and a young lean boy runs after her...

The lady is old now.. she's in her 60's or so.

She was young then... In her 40's and in good health. She's always working.. doing something or the other. This is the little girl's world.. Then of course there is the lady's husband. He is forever outdoors.. the fields or somewhere. He's supervising the workmen there or he's just picking weeds as he walks....

There are rabbits here. They scoot as the little girl goes near them but they have to be caught in the evening.. and put back in their houses ;)

There are cows in the cattleshed near the house. Once as the little girl watched, a cow fell down dead down below the hill and across the road. The lean boy rushed down the steps and across the road to where his father was already ... later the boy told her it had eaten a poisonous plant. Sad because it was the biggest milk giver they had. She also felt sad.

They had two big dogs... One male, the other female. One day she heard them say the black dog next door had gone mad. So it's owner took it to the river and pushed it in.. it was the rainy season when the waters are white are ferocious...

The lady of the house was the little girl's world.

The lady took the girl to the river once in a while. It excited her beyoind words. The big rocks and the clear waters... she ws elated when she was allowed to go too. The two boys of the house played in the waters if they had come. The women washed their clothes on the banks .. and then before they left, the lady called to her. She waded towards her and she could dip her head in the water finally...

There was a smiling young lady next door.. she had marbles in her drawer. Once she gave one to the little girl. She treasured it like one would a pearl.

Then one day, the litlle girl had to leave. She grew up and meanwhile, back there, where the little girl still laid her identity, they moved out to another place... a place where there were no big rooms.. no rabbits... no cows... no river....

One day long later.. the girl asked to see her home... and they went to see... Her mind was full of visions of the house.. the premises and all that she cradled close to her heart. Some part of her even expected to see the cows and willed to climb up the cattleshed into the haystack...
She climbed the too familiar steps as her heart beat faster than ever... slowly her eyes levelled to the house... but... there was no house there. Rather, there stood the house.. demolished; all the rumbles lying on the same floors... but it a house no more... The well stood but no vessels beside it... something snapped within her,

She went to the river... It was not monsoon but the waters still hurried down and past her as she stood on the familiar bank.. and then it seemed that the waters were flowing into her... the depths of heart.. and out... it seemed to be telling her that it had taken with it her past.

Yet it soothed her ... and as the waters swept past her, it seemed to smile at the little girl.. the one who had refused to grow up .. At that moment she realized that indeed... she was not wrong... it was still her identity and the place she learned her lessons.. the principles of life...

Time... it changes everything. and yet, nothing...

Each breath a miracle....

I lift up my eyes; up yonder
see the blue mountains
the thick green treetops
I lift up my eyes...
Up above mortal sight...
close my eyes and sigh peacefully
for a miracle... is mine...

my days my life.... all an IOU
thank you Lord for this one breath more...