Will this end ??

My skin burns. I cant bear to look at myself. Its like a plague that i can see creep in inch by inch , slowly, but not so slowly. I cant sleep and I cant be awake. If i sleep I tear myself open and water oozes besides blood. My body radiates heat , I feel hot & I need to switch on the fan but when I do, I shiver so much my teeth chatter loudly. I am scared of the night because its the worst part. Everything I have done during the day comes back like a bad deed at night. If i had sweat a little, its red, rough and raised skin there. If i scratched without knowing, its an unhealable wound now. I cant lie down. I cant even sit because any surface contact is burning my skin. It hurts. I pace the floor at night ,until exhausted, I drop into the bed and fall asleep immediately. Then I dont know anything for a certain blissful period. Medicine has no cure for me. Now, they dont even give me relief. I watch my own body disintegrate before my very eyes. If this is to multiply on and on, I would soon cease to exist.Its painful and itchy and humiliating and ... a lot more.

When you see yourself come down like this you wonder if you are anybody at all. Diseases dont respect the human entity. People and friends walk about like they dont have a care. And i hang my head to wince. I choose the darkest corner so i might be missed being seen by at least some people. I hug my arms under my table when I talk to them. I am secretly wondering how long I can keep coming to work at all. I hardly talk to anyone. Inside, I am screaming.

Is there an end to this? My mind wanders to the various forms of help i could get , including areas of medicine. I frantically search my mind for persons i may talk to but immediately the futility of it strikes me.
I have been in and out of this phase for a long time. In for longer than out. I have seen every dimension of what is real and what isnt. This time I have reached the end of my rope. Depression was my strongest companion. I gave up. I had enough. I cant take anymore I kept saying. The sting of pain & extreme itchy sensations pervading the body does strange things to one's mind and heart. I wish i had the words to truly describe my state. I dont.

What does God have to do with all this? Of course I thought of Him and entreated Him in many ways. I pleaded , I promised, I cried, I shouted... How can a God so loving let me suffer beyond my last strand of strength. I said all the right words in the right way from the holy book. And then after years of struggling with God, recently,I gave up. Simply because He wasnt helping. I gave up trying. There was a time when I came to know the Lord in truth. In that day He wrote in my heart His love for me. I said every angry word I knew now but i couldnt bring myself to question His love. I always knew it was me. So now I gave up. I felt ragged, torn, defeated. I reached the end of myself. And there is no more of me. Whats the use? I cant even live a normal life. Whats the use? There was nothing left for me really. And so i prayed to the Lord of my life that He would take charge of my life completely once again and if He would heal me now, I was prepared to pay any cost it took to follow Jesus wholeheartedy. I said just show me the cost and I am prepared to pay it. and He showed me... the first of many decisions I have made ever since, decisions in favour of His will over mine. I will always remember that I submitted when I had nothing to lose. I am humbled beyond measure in the remembrance that I submitted when I was an empty vessel. I did not empty out anything to let Him fill me. I was simply empty. There is no glory in what I did. And there is every glory in what He did. God accepted me.

How do I know that? Because He filled me with a peace that was almost criminal under the circumstances I was in. How can a person who cant sit, stand, sleep or walk without pain be calm ? I know my temperament. I dont conceal pain. So least of all, me. How? God is my father - will a father ever allow suffering without intending good? Then how much more with God? How can I tell those who care that its ok, I will be alright when I was not? I told them the physical suffering was incredibly unbearable - truth.There was no relief there and I beseeched God to take it away each day. But He gave me grace alone. Grace to me is that peace that came to me in the midst of agony and surpassed all reason , defied all logic. God gave me grace. And it sufficed for the day.

God is healing me. I am much better now, physically too. And each day I am filled with fresh love & thirst for my Lord... yes, my saviour.


P.S. This song comes to mind

" I'll walk closer now on the higher way
Through the darkest night will You hold my hand

Jesus, guide my way

Oh, You mourn with me and You dance with me
For my heart of hearts is bound to You  

.......... "

As the cock crows, i remember...

I go my way
drive thru streets
live my life...
and yet!.. it bothers me...
waking up to consciousness
i hear the cock crow
jumping out of bed,
i hear the cock crow
rushing thru breakfast
i hear it again...
dashing out to catch the bus
standing there, doing nothing
i still hear it
In the bus,seated beside a stranger
it still bugs me
i search around me
behind my shoulders
see noone.. nothing..
and yet, i hear it crow..louder
at work, with friends,
it disturbs my conversation
incessant noise...
it persists, follows me around
throughout my day
even in my quiet moments
it crows its throat off
and i am irate
back home,post-dinner,
does noone else hear it??
it is still loud as ever.
will it not stop ever, i wonder...
ever?


PS... Luke 22:32.... "But I have prayed for thee, that thy faith fail not......"

Proverbs 6:10,11

The Potter's clay

Somebody asked me the other day.. Dont you feel like doing something for the Lord rather than just pursue a spiritual life and purity? What he meant was dont u think u should be doing some good works, some charity? Making some bigtime sacrifices in life, to give back for what Jesus has done for me?
I have been through these thoughts myself. I have wondered...and i have thought... and i told the Lord in whispers into the dark nights... Here i am Lord, use me as u will for you. And i offered myself, and my talents for his work. but it didnt really turn out as i thought it would.

As i lifted the works of my hands
i realised i was
holding up to my Lord
an empty pair of hands
all that i held burnt to ashes
with a deep shame
i knew i was empty.
i had no talents of worth
to offer my Lord
my heart,a river of shame..
what works can i offer
what life shall i lead
what sacrifices shall i make
and hence be found 'worthy'


Father, "I am Willing". I know not what u want me to be, where u want me to go, what u want me to do. I have nothing to offer up but this one moment in time:Now.It is Yours. Father, I am willing. Each moment,let it be You. of more, i am ignorant...

My Self...

Off.. Get off u filthy dog!!!
Get off the golden throne
Sickly n dirty, weak n stinking
Vain, whining and yelping at passersby
you howl and cling
oh!when can i rid of u
Filthy filthy dog!!

oh,my loving King,my heart bleeds in pain
this throne,reeking from the old dog,
you ask still to sit on?
this wayward kingdom u wish to reign?

Safe in the arms of Jesus

"My child,if u go for this...
you will miss God's best."
said the voice i trust.
jolting me awake to a whole new phase
'But Lord, everything seems fine'
i thought...and then i hushed myself.
He speaks and i obey.
With a special gladness...
Ah but it is not easy
And i fret and i toss n turn.
whats to be done...
for the Lord has spoken
oh whats to be done!
Lord, my way n the world's eyes,
they say its fine.
i have not been utterly selfish
and i felt it fine in my heart
Why then do u say so, O Lord...
Father!!!... why...
And i pray and i pray...
and i toss n turn...
and i only lay open palms to say
'i dont understand'
fine Father, if it be not your will,
close this door!!!
and i shall wonder and i shall fret
but consider me not,at that time
for i am a spoilt little child
i may ask for a shining dagger
cry with all my might for it.
but you are my Father
and Your love refuses me the dagger,i know.
let me be bewildered but do Your will Lord.
do Your will.
for i have long given up my life
and its yours now to rip up or mould
to bond or to carve into
and if u would,that i should walk through flames,
Father,i promise i will cry my eyes out
and in pain,scream my throat sore
but do your will father.
do Your will.
i do not understand what i may be asking for
but i know that i mean it.
Only give me the grace through it all,
this i ask.
do Your will.
"My child, This Is my will!
Be at peace...
For i tested you
'in a world of 'rights',
does my Word stand against it all'
You placed it first and now,
be at peace..."
Tremble at His Word, o my soul
Know that my Father is Lord!



PS.Nothing of consequence comes from a decision or from solutions but there is unexplainable peace that the knowledge brings; "Know that my Father is Lord!!!"

Psalm 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God
Colossians 1:17 He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together.
Isaiah 55:8-9 'My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways,' says the Lord. 'For as the heavens are higher than the earth, So are My ways higher than your ways, And My thoughts than your thoughts.

.

"ninnoden dhaivame.. njan cherattee..." (Nearer, my Lord, to thee, Nearer to thee)

The tide rising looms large
Ah but a second more
And it shall swallow me…
But a while back I tread the beaches
Picking shells and nodding to passersby
Admiring the ocean blue, the setting sun
And the calm of the air, wondering
Where in all this is God?
Surely I must feel Him, I must know
His presence… and it cut my heart
Some terrible sin has cast asunder
I thought… my Father from me.
The pain, the ache of a soul lost
Oh! But that soul was me…
Tears came not and sighs stopped not.
The calm of the sands of time teased my agony
And I felt like a fool
Reduced to actions of old
Once done with a greater purpose…
Now a ritual, I mused.
I stopped by the sea and looked far into the horizon
Feeling nothing; only a heavy heart and a lost song
I did not notice the wave
As it curled its way slowly
I saw it as it loomed large
And I searched myself hurriedly
For that panic of old, the fear of old
The frightened helplessness that oft gripped me
Ah! But I could not find it
In its place I found a joy, unexplained
A calm that seemed blind to my state
Totally without reason, so it seemed
For the tide would swallow me any moment
And yet as I searched my heart deep
I found but a song!
Tears stung my dry remorseful eyes
As I was taught my greatest lesson ever
Oh...oh…!!
If the oceans were my tears they would not suffice
Even still am I the base sinner of old
I judged the Lord on my standards
I forgot the words He once whispered in my heart
And I had answered yes Lord! Yes!
Ah he has always been worthy but I!!
Not once, not twice…
Have I failed him
And yet, He would not leave me
For He is my Father.
How great a calling my Father has entrusted me
Peace and calm, turmoil and storms.
My Father trusts me this much.
A lifetime is worth trying to be worthy!



“My child, of miracles or signs, you shall see none; yet trust in me. Have you the faith for that?”


...

Bind Beggar on a Summer Day

Was it not but yesterday…
Rivers of love rendered fertile the soils of my heart
Not a dry patch in once-parched land, my Saviour by me
His love engulfed my being, soothed my soul ‘living waters
Existence I had no more but in Him,
And I knew no doubt, that this I am made for.
Like a new bride I gushed…
In trust and surrender I leant upon my Lord, entirely
I could spend an eternity here… if only I could…
Oh the joy I knew!
As the world vacated my being, leaving nothing
Not even footprints for old-times-sake.
Wherefrom comes this deafening silence now
How oh how did the darkness set in
Where is the voice of my Lord,
the warmth of His reassuring presence
The calm rest of His peace…

Like a man struck blind by a curse I grope in the dark
Desperate, I know not where to search, only Whom.
Tears flow not and my heart is hard
For the one I seek, I am yet to find…

Oh but for one look my Saviour as bestowed on Peter
That I may flee the crowds and weep out my molten heart
Long to sleep in the mighty arms of my Father
But I find Him not in my restless nights…
I once asked Him to come to me in my dreams
That I may not miss His presence even then
But now I have no dreams and if any, He is not there!!!
I seek Him in every glint of love, every act of kindness
Each chiding word and the corners of my ailing heart
But He is not there as I seek…
How was I deceived to turn from the light that led me…
The hand on the plough, whence did I retrieve…
A blind beggar groping, even as the sun shines
This I am reduced to…

For Him I hated the world and turned my back on
Into its wide flung arms, I dare not return
Let no mortal think I will be deceived again
For I have known Him and no less shall satisfy
I seek my Lord… His grace will make me whole
I want to see again the glory of old
My Lord I seek… and none else shall satisfy.

"I want to spend my lifetime loving you"

I want to say goodbye...
We have known this for some time now
Our relationship has become empty and dry
But I am sorry I led you on
I am sorry I gave you the wrong idea
I am sorry I let you think we could be together; forever
I am sorry I let us depend on each other so much…
I am sorry I was not all that you thought I was
Many a dream did we weave into the fabric of our lives
Many a life we promised each other
Believe it or not, I meant to keep my promises
i hurt when i hurt u
glowed at your approval
took pains to please you, be in your good books
yea... in many a way.
But now please find it in you…
Somewhere within you… to forgive me…
I cannot say I was an innocent lass
that I did not know it
that my heart was never mine
but belonged to another…
I knew it… I always did…
That is the truth.
I could not tell you for fear of losing you altogether
(ah.. my vanity knows no bounds!)
I could not bear that
I was never ready to admit it
To accept it, to comprehend fully
I was afraid… of what I was not sure of…
And then I was also afraid …
That I would fail him, just as I have failed you
The turmoil, the pain that I went through is indescribable
Not sure how to move on; what to make of it
All that I had built with courage and belief in myself
now lay in shambles
Life became meaningless, truly so to the core
I wrung my hands and lay them bare and open in despair…
And that was when I understood…
That pain was inevitable
But the truth could not be ignored, no more…
The face that sustained me through all those dark nights
was never yours, but always his…
I cannot betray him anymore; I have done enough all these years.
deep called unto deep.
And so I write this letter…
To end it all.
To tell you that ever since I can remember,
I have been in love with another
I had just met him; knew nothing much about him
When you came along
You swept me off my feet so fast,
with empty promises
and sweet whisperings of a selfish love
eliciting the same from me.
I was enchanted, thought I was in love
When I already belonged to another…
had given my heart to another…
I was cheating you… and me….
He loved me even before I knew him
And yet, he said nothing,
He loved me too much for that; he let me be
Hoping that someday I would come to him
And I …? I chose to ignore it…
I was not innocent, I concede again
I knew it and yet I was not faithful to the love I had for him
Now I confess, I have decided to come full circle
I want to spend the rest of my life with him
trying to make amends for the wrong I did,
the pain I caused him
i am still clumsy and trip many a time but
I want to spend the rest of my life trying to make him happy
I want to know more about him, love him with my entire being
Sit by his side and fulfill his smallest wish, obey him
For all I am worth, I want to spend my life trying to please him,
Soon I will forget you and you must not try to come after me
Coz he knows I love him too now and he protects me
You cannot stand up to him…
i love him because he first loved me
and i shall learn at his feet.
I am in love with Jesus
And there is space for none other in my heart
where he is now…
Not even you… for I have found peace at last.

Never was yours,
Angie.

PS. Ah, World, I bear you no ill-will and never will for you are but a pawn in the hands of a pathetic creature whose time is running out. We shall run but on parallel tracks and that, only till we reach this turn, ‘Death’, and then no more.Greater is He who is in me than who is in the world.

Tell me the old old story...

Hear all thou who will
Thou whose intellect art superior to mine
and those whose are not...
And those who are willing to think
I speak to you who say that there is no God
and you who say God is but a controlling force
you who say God is a concept invented
for calming man in his troubles
i speak to them who claim understanding of the 'balance'
of the spiritual and non-spiritual
you who say that life is to enjoy
the pleasures on earth
and to satisfy intellectual thirsts,
yearnings for wordly wisdom
you who understand a God who makes sense
a God who does what makes sense
you who profess deep down that
anyone who seeks God like an idiot and seeks none other,
he is missing out on so much in life...
tell me once more ..
teach me the intelligent thoughts
the sensible ones…
i was like you once, full of intellect
but i lost it all overnight
i cannot stay and listen to you now
for i have no time.
i have much work that remains...
and I am to make up for lost time
so write me all your arguments
and all your understandings...
write me all that i need to hear and know
to be convinced that there is no God or
to be convinced why God is the one you speak of...
I promise that, one day when i sit by my Father,
The God Almighty,
i shall ask Him to read them to me...

P.S. Dedicated to my Lord Jesus Christ who is the author of my faith, to whom i give all credit.
1Corinth 1:31, 3:7

All it takes...

The journey was tiresome. How long can one sit in a train this long and not get restless i wondered. In the midst of relatives, time flew and yet i felt the journey's grind. At times i shifted uneasily in my seat when i thought of him. Sure, he's my cousin and we grew up together and .... blah blah blah... but he's a salaried individual now. corporate guy, as they read in the papers in the village. and i am still that village, all of it. nothing about me has changed.

he went off to study in the big city four years back. and i hardly saw him between then. its mighty expensive, this travel, and it takes four days just to get home. so i never saw much of him even when he came... Now he was paying for all our tickets you know?! huyyoo. he must be making so much money to be able to do that. as the days lit up our space only to fade off, so did my hopes of finding him the same as i once knew. he's doing a duty by bringing us over to the city. he knows that his relatives will be very happy and commend his mother because he is doing this. and he knows how important that is to his mother. he was always a good son... i have read that in the city people live a very fast life. they have less time for much beyond oneself... what about him? was he a city guy now? i felt it unlikely that he was not. it was nobody's fault. i will never blame him. God knows, i might have become the same way if i had been in his place, maybe worse. I might not have even sent for my relatives this way. i frowned at myself and my thoughts....

the train pulled into a crowded noisy station. it was very very big. even bigger than the one we boarded from which was the nearest town. people walking to and fro, brisk movements, baggage, shouting, announcements, coolies pulling at my uncle's cloth bag... in the midst of it all, i made it a point to keep my mouth shut. everyone had so much to tell him. about the things we had made and brought him, telling him how thin and tired he had gotten, that his hair had grown too much... my little cousin, mouth agape, pulled at his trousers and felt his full-sleeved shirt... i smiled smally... everything was perfectly as i knew it would be. no problems. all was fine. we moved on, a small mass in this big mob making our way towards the exit.

i didnt notice that he slowed a bit.i looked up when i felt a nudge. he did not say a word ... his eyes, they were just the way they were when he first left the village... happiness is a warmth i knew then.. yes, everything was perfect and harmony reigned within.

PS:Dedicated to my brothers who have a gift for radiating love and happiness