Moments 2

Jealousy

Its going fine. Things are in equilibrium. I have desire for nothing. And then I hear it. 

Someone has just achieved something. I never yearned for it myself. But like a dark cloud, it comes to rest over my head and casts a shadow on my face. Suddenly I find reasons to find him/her guilty of a lot of flaws. I become vindictive attributing faults that I shrugged off earlier. I think he's not really as good as me anyway. So it doesn't matter. I'm still the superior celestial being I was.

And as suddenly as it came, I realize it. 

I'm jealous.

Moments

 Hate.

Its been a long day. Work, cooking, kids and what-not. I don't want to sleep but I have to.  In time, we all go to sleep. 

Like being on a boat rocking lazily on the seas. As if I were washed ashore and someone were shaking me aware. I don't want to but its urgent to come back to the living world. 

I blink very slowly. More time spent on the closed eyelids. 

And then like a shockwave, it hits - the time, breakfast, the rains, deadlines and the day's plans. Eyes wide open and I wake up a different person, forgetting my need to sleep.. just a little more.. I hate this feeling. 

Sequel to "I do"

Its been 5 years. It's a weird feeling reading my "I do" post in 2008... For a moment I relived the turmoils of the time. And then fast forward to today. Relieved and elated !

God is faithful; He actually is, you know. If there is anyone who understands us inside out, it's our Heavenly Father. When you leave a decision to Him, it is no less than perfectly done. For all those who trust Him, I want to testify : you'll never regret it. For God is just... amazing. All the glory be to Him!

5 years back, I was talking to an older friend. At the time , we were married 6 months.

"So how's married life?" she asked.
"Beautiful !!! " I said.
"6 months !" she said. 'wait n see, its not a bed of  roses' she meant to say.
That evening I cried , relating this to my always-calm husband of 6-months.  

I've waited 5 years now.

We've trekked 5 years of tough terrain. Personal tragedy, sickness, joblessness, responsibilities...There were choices but God forged us together.

Whenever somebody gets married now, I tell them "your life is just beginning"

So ask me, how's married life?
Beautiful !! :D .

God does not do it any less.

Btw, I still skip my way through the house (with a tiny tot in tow though... doing just the same ! ).

What is sin... to you ?

I went through a tough phase in my life. At that time, I threw up my hands and said to the Lord, "i give up" ... In that one breath I gave up quite a lot of things... I gave up personal ambitions... even the little ones... I gave up the wish to look good for the sake of it... I gave up the wish to be entertained... I gave up...  I gave up my life ... and then there was something God was asking me to give up. It was a certain sin in my life. I did. And i felt free.

What is sin? Is it sin to listen to secular music? Is it sin to watch movies ? Is it a sin to enjoy dressing up ? Is it sin to enjoy shopping? ... Is it sin to be crazy about video games or new apps? oh, I dont know! such a crazy list. old fashioned. conservative. narrow minded... 

You know why thats so? I've realized now that its coz we're asking the wrong question. What is sin To You ? What is it that seeps(subtly) through your senses overcoming it while you're at it. What is it that blinds you to reality? What is it that you think about almost a major part of the day? What is it that makes you less passionate about the one real thing in the world - God.  And you end up painting a very dull picture of Him and you think 'is it really prayer time?' 'whats so great in the Bible anyway'... I know.. I've been through it. In and out , more than once. I know it as well as anyone could (just ask me , I'll tell you more ). And thats why it all makes sense now.

What is sin to you ?
God asked me to give up something in my life. I can never judge another on the same. It was taking me away from God, my Father.  For me, it was and is sin. What is taking You away from Him? Thats sin...


My perceptions are changing, becoming clearer I dare say. Bring me two plates. Put a socially successful personality or beautiful skin on one plate and love for Jesus on the other. Honestly, if you gave me this choice awhile back, I would still have chosen Jesus. But I would have done that only because I knew it was the right thing to want , not because it was what I really wanted ! World of a difference ...
Today, give me the same choice. I would choose the same. But for different reasons. I'm sick and tired of the kind of deception this world projects on us. I can see things much more clearly now. How... I am not sure. But I do know that awhile back I started to obey God. Maybe not fully but I'm still trying!

"What is taking You away from Him? Thats sin... Drop it like a venomous snake."


Matthew 5:29 
"If your right eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell."

Matthew 6:33
"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well."

Making of a Mother

I dont remember hearing my baby cry. I remember her form swaddled in a blue cloth (ah but then everything was a blue black hue) and a wide-eyed peaceful face.

The previous evening too I had walked 20 rounds inspite of the slight back pain. The womenfolk who saw me daily said my time was near. I looked forward to it,  never fearing the pain. In fact I was proud of the pains I would 'suffer' to bring forth a child into the world. I remember my friend in school quoting her mom saying that its the pain thats behind the love of a mother for her child...

At midnight I was admited in the hospital in full labour. Early morning came the doctor and confirmed what the nurses suspected. The baby wont come she said. Dont push anymore. We're going to have to operate. By then i was physically drained from the pains. Now my mind and heart went numb too. When they wheeled me away to the operating theatre, I stared blankly into space but within I was hysterical. I felt rejected. My baby was born on a Sunday morning before the break of dawn by emergency C-section.

There was no pride, no feeling of achievement, no joy. I felt 'less of a mother'.
"So much for a natural delivery. You're just less of a mother"...

My family comforted me in many ways,. They told me to find comfort by looking at my child but when I looked at that tiny form , 'Less of a mother' echoed within me.  In those moments, if anyone teased me for my lack of maternal instincts, I would have believed it because really I was .. 'less of a mother'.

They say time is the best healer but for me, God did the work.

What was my claim to motherhood? Was it the pains of childbirth itself ? Was that the cost I paid to buy rights to the name 'mother'? Would that 'cost' buy me the esteemed right to be called "MOTHER"? No ! No ! No!

I remember when I dedicated my unborn child to God many a time...This dear baby never was mine to possess or pride in. She is God's. Motherhood is a gift from God. The child is His mercy upon me. i have no claims of my own upon my child. The day will come when the Lord will ask "What did you do with my child whom I entrusted to you" and I know now that I will not even for a moment, imagine it to be otherwise.In her every smile, every compliment, every achievement I feel no possessive pride. I am broken to the core.  I am but humbled that God chose to entrust me with such a wonderful creature. I am also aware of my responsibility - to bring her up in God's standards. To show her what it means to have a heavenly Father..

I never could have earned what God alone can bestow. This was the way He taught me this powerful lesson.  I hope He teaches you the same in your own special way. I began my journey into motherhood with 'nothing'. And when its all done, I should remain the same ; that day I will know that I have been a 'mother', the kind God intended me to be.

Will this end ??

My skin burns. I cant bear to look at myself. Its like a plague that i can see creep in inch by inch , slowly, but not so slowly. I cant sleep and I cant be awake. If i sleep I tear myself open and water oozes besides blood. My body radiates heat , I feel hot & I need to switch on the fan but when I do, I shiver so much my teeth chatter loudly. I am scared of the night because its the worst part. Everything I have done during the day comes back like a bad deed at night. If i had sweat a little, its red, rough and raised skin there. If i scratched without knowing, its an unhealable wound now. I cant lie down. I cant even sit because any surface contact is burning my skin. It hurts. I pace the floor at night ,until exhausted, I drop into the bed and fall asleep immediately. Then I dont know anything for a certain blissful period. Medicine has no cure for me. Now, they dont even give me relief. I watch my own body disintegrate before my very eyes. If this is to multiply on and on, I would soon cease to exist.Its painful and itchy and humiliating and ... a lot more.

When you see yourself come down like this you wonder if you are anybody at all. Diseases dont respect the human entity. People and friends walk about like they dont have a care. And i hang my head to wince. I choose the darkest corner so i might be missed being seen by at least some people. I hug my arms under my table when I talk to them. I am secretly wondering how long I can keep coming to work at all. I hardly talk to anyone. Inside, I am screaming.

Is there an end to this? My mind wanders to the various forms of help i could get , including areas of medicine. I frantically search my mind for persons i may talk to but immediately the futility of it strikes me.
I have been in and out of this phase for a long time. In for longer than out. I have seen every dimension of what is real and what isnt. This time I have reached the end of my rope. Depression was my strongest companion. I gave up. I had enough. I cant take anymore I kept saying. The sting of pain & extreme itchy sensations pervading the body does strange things to one's mind and heart. I wish i had the words to truly describe my state. I dont.

What does God have to do with all this? Of course I thought of Him and entreated Him in many ways. I pleaded , I promised, I cried, I shouted... How can a God so loving let me suffer beyond my last strand of strength. I said all the right words in the right way from the holy book. And then after years of struggling with God, recently,I gave up. Simply because He wasnt helping. I gave up trying. There was a time when I came to know the Lord in truth. In that day He wrote in my heart His love for me. I said every angry word I knew now but i couldnt bring myself to question His love. I always knew it was me. So now I gave up. I felt ragged, torn, defeated. I reached the end of myself. And there is no more of me. Whats the use? I cant even live a normal life. Whats the use? There was nothing left for me really. And so i prayed to the Lord of my life that He would take charge of my life completely once again and if He would heal me now, I was prepared to pay any cost it took to follow Jesus wholeheartedy. I said just show me the cost and I am prepared to pay it. and He showed me... the first of many decisions I have made ever since, decisions in favour of His will over mine. I will always remember that I submitted when I had nothing to lose. I am humbled beyond measure in the remembrance that I submitted when I was an empty vessel. I did not empty out anything to let Him fill me. I was simply empty. There is no glory in what I did. And there is every glory in what He did. God accepted me.

How do I know that? Because He filled me with a peace that was almost criminal under the circumstances I was in. How can a person who cant sit, stand, sleep or walk without pain be calm ? I know my temperament. I dont conceal pain. So least of all, me. How? God is my father - will a father ever allow suffering without intending good? Then how much more with God? How can I tell those who care that its ok, I will be alright when I was not? I told them the physical suffering was incredibly unbearable - truth.There was no relief there and I beseeched God to take it away each day. But He gave me grace alone. Grace to me is that peace that came to me in the midst of agony and surpassed all reason , defied all logic. God gave me grace. And it sufficed for the day.

God is healing me. I am much better now, physically too. And each day I am filled with fresh love & thirst for my Lord... yes, my saviour.


P.S. This song comes to mind

" I'll walk closer now on the higher way
Through the darkest night will You hold my hand

Jesus, guide my way

Oh, You mourn with me and You dance with me
For my heart of hearts is bound to You  

.......... "

As the cock crows, i remember...

I go my way
drive thru streets
live my life...
and yet!.. it bothers me...
waking up to consciousness
i hear the cock crow
jumping out of bed,
i hear the cock crow
rushing thru breakfast
i hear it again...
dashing out to catch the bus
standing there, doing nothing
i still hear it
In the bus,seated beside a stranger
it still bugs me
i search around me
behind my shoulders
see noone.. nothing..
and yet, i hear it crow..louder
at work, with friends,
it disturbs my conversation
incessant noise...
it persists, follows me around
throughout my day
even in my quiet moments
it crows its throat off
and i am irate
back home,post-dinner,
does noone else hear it??
it is still loud as ever.
will it not stop ever, i wonder...
ever?


PS... Luke 22:32.... "But I have prayed for thee, that thy faith fail not......"

Proverbs 6:10,11

The Potter's clay

Somebody asked me the other day.. Dont you feel like doing something for the Lord rather than just pursue a spiritual life and purity? What he meant was dont u think u should be doing some good works, some charity? Making some bigtime sacrifices in life, to give back for what Jesus has done for me?
I have been through these thoughts myself. I have wondered...and i have thought... and i told the Lord in whispers into the dark nights... Here i am Lord, use me as u will for you. And i offered myself, and my talents for his work. but it didnt really turn out as i thought it would.

As i lifted the works of my hands
i realised i was
holding up to my Lord
an empty pair of hands
all that i held burnt to ashes
with a deep shame
i knew i was empty.
i had no talents of worth
to offer my Lord
my heart,a river of shame..
what works can i offer
what life shall i lead
what sacrifices shall i make
and hence be found 'worthy'


Father, "I am Willing". I know not what u want me to be, where u want me to go, what u want me to do. I have nothing to offer up but this one moment in time:Now.It is Yours. Father, I am willing. Each moment,let it be You. of more, i am ignorant...

My Self...

Off.. Get off u filthy dog!!!
Get off the golden throne
Sickly n dirty, weak n stinking
Vain, whining and yelping at passersby
you howl and cling
oh!when can i rid of u
Filthy filthy dog!!

oh,my loving King,my heart bleeds in pain
this throne,reeking from the old dog,
you ask still to sit on?
this wayward kingdom u wish to reign?

Safe in the arms of Jesus

"My child,if u go for this...
you will miss God's best."
said the voice i trust.
jolting me awake to a whole new phase
'But Lord, everything seems fine'
i thought...and then i hushed myself.
He speaks and i obey.
With a special gladness...
Ah but it is not easy
And i fret and i toss n turn.
whats to be done...
for the Lord has spoken
oh whats to be done!
Lord, my way n the world's eyes,
they say its fine.
i have not been utterly selfish
and i felt it fine in my heart
Why then do u say so, O Lord...
Father!!!... why...
And i pray and i pray...
and i toss n turn...
and i only lay open palms to say
'i dont understand'
fine Father, if it be not your will,
close this door!!!
and i shall wonder and i shall fret
but consider me not,at that time
for i am a spoilt little child
i may ask for a shining dagger
cry with all my might for it.
but you are my Father
and Your love refuses me the dagger,i know.
let me be bewildered but do Your will Lord.
do Your will.
for i have long given up my life
and its yours now to rip up or mould
to bond or to carve into
and if u would,that i should walk through flames,
Father,i promise i will cry my eyes out
and in pain,scream my throat sore
but do your will father.
do Your will.
i do not understand what i may be asking for
but i know that i mean it.
Only give me the grace through it all,
this i ask.
do Your will.
"My child, This Is my will!
Be at peace...
For i tested you
'in a world of 'rights',
does my Word stand against it all'
You placed it first and now,
be at peace..."
Tremble at His Word, o my soul
Know that my Father is Lord!



PS.Nothing of consequence comes from a decision or from solutions but there is unexplainable peace that the knowledge brings; "Know that my Father is Lord!!!"

Psalm 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God
Colossians 1:17 He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together.
Isaiah 55:8-9 'My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways,' says the Lord. 'For as the heavens are higher than the earth, So are My ways higher than your ways, And My thoughts than your thoughts.

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